I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
