im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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