I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
