either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
