At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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