Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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