So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
