apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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