I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
