Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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