That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
