Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
