yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
