Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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