cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
