meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
