Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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