mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
