I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
