i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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