How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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