There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
