I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
