Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
