This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
