I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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