i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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