She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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