I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
