Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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