dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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