i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
