sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
