every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
