I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
