So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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