Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Drake has all the answers
You ate ashes out of my bong
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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