Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
