Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
