I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
