so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Pants are for mortals
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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