yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
