8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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