i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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