nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
