Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i believe in u and ur pee
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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