After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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