If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
