My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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