I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
