i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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