Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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