question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm passing your future prison.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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